Friday, May 21, 2010

Chapter 1: Memories of a teenage girl @ 10:06 PM

 It was one of those rainy days in April. The sky was dark and unhappy, the rain was knocking on the houses' windows and there was nothing interesting on TV.
 I was laying in bed as I always did on such days. I just thought the best thing to do when it's raining like mad outside is sleep. Something, though, wasn't letting me fall asleep. For some reason, I was sinking in the depths of my past. Well, the weather for it was perfect, wasn't it? It totally matched with my sad experiences and my pain. In one moment I was trying to fall asleep, in the other I had something better to do. I returned to the fair beginning of my life.
 My name is Ina and I was born in a small town in Bulgaria. My mother, Dana, married a guy, named Jackson, who she had just known for a year then. From what I had been told, I knew my mother had been pregnant for 3 months on her wedding day. But my father used to get drunk and try to beat Mom, so after one more year of living together Dana and him divorced.
 When I was little I had seen him 4 times and his mother just once. Out of those 4 times I remember just the last one. My uncle, Bob, had brought me to meet my father at a cafe. Unfortunatelly, I didn't really look at him then as I was really sceptic about meeting him then. "But it's understandable. I was just 5 years old then and I had never lived with him, I had never had the chance to get to know him." I thought. And I was right. My mother had lived with Jackson while I was one year old, what was I supposed to remember about him? Then this sadness started taking over as I tought "He promised he would buy me a bike and new jeans. I got so happy I even looked at him and hugged him. It was the last time I hugged my father..." Usually, I didn't use to care a lot about not knowing him but every child wants to know their parents, right? After that meeting we never met again to talk. I had seen him a couple of times but we hadn't said a word to each other, and I never got those jeans and bike that had been promised.
 The next bad memory in 'Ina's bag full of moments that suck' was the time I found out my mother was having an affair. Although I hadn't known my father, I was OK with it and was a happy child. At least, until one night. Everything I remember from that night is "My mother didn't come back home from work and I cried almost all night long",I said out loud. I also remembers my grandmother trying to calm me down and explain something but nothing more.
 I refused to accept it and cried every time my Mom wasn't home, but with the time passing I got used to not seeing Dana 3 days of the week. Then all of a sudden, my mother started going to a friend's house and I had no idea why but I also didn't care. It was enough that she was home every night. One evening as I was reading a book for school, my mother came in my room and asked if I wanted to go with her to dinner at that friend's house. The kid in me didn't even think about it, I got my jacket and went with her. I played with Denny, the other family's kid, but didn't fail to notice there was a man who wasn't living with Denny and her parents. "What was he doing there?" I kept asking myself. A couple of times we talked and he gave me his phone to play with. I liked him, the guy, not the phone. Well, the phone, too, but that's not the point. While I and Mom was at Denny's again, just like another of those evenings, I thought how amazing would it had been if  he was my Daddy. That same evening the guy walked us, me and Mom, home and the strangest thing happened. When we reached our apartment, Mom told me to go ahead. I did but as I was walking my curiousity awaken. I turned and the guy and my Mom were kissing. You think what I felt like then, reader? No, you're mistaken! I actually liked it. Of course, I was a little mad at Mommy but I liked the guy and wasn't going to complain. After all, I was the one who thought "how amazing would it had been if he was my Daddy".
 That, unfortunatelly, just like all the good things in my dark past, came to an end. That man my Mom had had an affair with has said that if she wasn't willing to stop any contact with her new boyfriend, he was going to beat him to death. My mother had always been so weak and she just went back to the old one, whose name, by the way, was Brad.
 My own personal hell was just about to start for real and I, the poor little kid, didn't know anything.
 Then the next summer my mother told me we were going on vacation with Brad. I had no other choice but to go. If I just hadn't gone with them, if I just had stayed with my grandparents at our small apartment. But how was I supposed to know what was waiting for me?
 The three of us went there by car. Some sibling of Brad drove us to the seaside. I was used to going on vacations with a reserved hotel room before arriving. This time we had to walk around and look for something. A lot of times we failed epically and the room we got, in the end, hadn't even 'had the right' to be compared with the previous ones, the ones I was used to.
 That wasn't the worse part. That night as I went to bed, I thought my mother would sleep with me. But Dana went to share a bed with Brad. A feeling, deep down in me, awaken. It was jealousy. I used to have my mother just for myself and no one else. I wasn't willing to share her. There was no way of accepting what was happening and I started crying. And I knew Mom heard me crying. She knew it and she did nothing..well, nothing until Brad got up and started shouting. My mother got upset and angry, she was scared, too. The guy shouted and I cried harder and harder. Then when he stopped Dana told me to go to the bathroom with her. The mother was supposed to wash her daughter's face from all the tears and horror. Instead, she add more of them both. When we were in the bathroom, I was still crying, the young lady was scared. I never had to relieve such anger in my entire life. Lying in bed, 5 years later, I still remembers my mother saying "See what you did? How could you?" and then Dana hurt me for the first time ever. She hit me right in the waist. It took the youngster me a minute to start breathing again.
 Although, the pain was a lot to handle with, both physical and psychical, that was the moment which would later become the main reason for me being so strong and not letting almost no one closer, close enough to hurt me.
 I just waited for the day I came back home and lived with my grandparents and mother again. My mother didn't come back home sometimes again but I stopped crying.
 A year rolled and it was summer again. She came and asked me if I wanted to go on vacation again. This time I could ask my best friend to come with me. What a relief...at the beginnig, at least. Such a dumbass I was, how I fooled myself! I shouldn't have believed Mom! But I did and went with them again, this time my best friend, Clara, was with us. This, of course, made things a little different. Just a little. I could still see ,y mother being upset and she and Brad seemed to always be fighting over something. Though, the summer was going all fine. Clara and I were going to the pool everyday because the beach was dirty. Dana or Brad gave us money and we went all by ourselves.
 It was half their holiday when one evening the we got a suggestion from Brad to go to a disco with him and my mother. Clara was so on for it and I didn't have any other chance but to go. Something inside me, though, was telling me it wasn't gonna be OK and I shouldn't be going, but my best friend was so enthusiastic about it...how could I do such a thing to Clara? When we went to the disco, it was full with all grown-ups and that awful music was playing. Clara didn't have fun and neither did I. Dana drank a lot and was drunk soon after, she started pulling me on the dancefloor. Just as all the other bad memories this one was also captured in my mind. She dragged me on the dancefloor and she kept telling me to dance or else Brad wouldn't be glad. He would get mad at her and stuff. And when I refused to dance and started crying she just left me these scars on both my hands. Those stupid fingernails of hers! She didn't fuckin' care about what she was doing to me and she was fuckin' drunk! All because of that stupid redneck with stupid name! He didn't turn out to be such a redneck. He actually cared a lot about me and when I asked him to leave he said yes. The next thing I remember from that night was crying while Clara was trying to make me feel better.
 Those two summers may had been the most awful in my life but they made me strong. The next year I went with my mother and Brad again, but I was 13 years old and I didn't give my mother a chance to hurt me. I had that shield in front of my heart and soul. No one could play with my feelings.
 I spent almost 4 hours remembering the horror I had to go through.
 Next thing I was asleep just as I always did on rainy days when the weather was remembering its own past experiences.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Chapter 1: Memories of a teenage girl @ 10:06 PM

 It was one of those rainy days in April. The sky was dark and unhappy, the rain was knocking on the houses' windows and there was nothing interesting on TV.
 I was laying in bed as I always did on such days. I just thought the best thing to do when it's raining like mad outside is sleep. Something, though, wasn't letting me fall asleep. For some reason, I was sinking in the depths of my past. Well, the weather for it was perfect, wasn't it? It totally matched with my sad experiences and my pain. In one moment I was trying to fall asleep, in the other I had something better to do. I returned to the fair beginning of my life.
 My name is Ina and I was born in a small town in Bulgaria. My mother, Dana, married a guy, named Jackson, who she had just known for a year then. From what I had been told, I knew my mother had been pregnant for 3 months on her wedding day. But my father used to get drunk and try to beat Mom, so after one more year of living together Dana and him divorced.
 When I was little I had seen him 4 times and his mother just once. Out of those 4 times I remember just the last one. My uncle, Bob, had brought me to meet my father at a cafe. Unfortunatelly, I didn't really look at him then as I was really sceptic about meeting him then. "But it's understandable. I was just 5 years old then and I had never lived with him, I had never had the chance to get to know him." I thought. And I was right. My mother had lived with Jackson while I was one year old, what was I supposed to remember about him? Then this sadness started taking over as I tought "He promised he would buy me a bike and new jeans. I got so happy I even looked at him and hugged him. It was the last time I hugged my father..." Usually, I didn't use to care a lot about not knowing him but every child wants to know their parents, right? After that meeting we never met again to talk. I had seen him a couple of times but we hadn't said a word to each other, and I never got those jeans and bike that had been promised.
 The next bad memory in 'Ina's bag full of moments that suck' was the time I found out my mother was having an affair. Although I hadn't known my father, I was OK with it and was a happy child. At least, until one night. Everything I remember from that night is "My mother didn't come back home from work and I cried almost all night long",I said out loud. I also remembers my grandmother trying to calm me down and explain something but nothing more.
 I refused to accept it and cried every time my Mom wasn't home, but with the time passing I got used to not seeing Dana 3 days of the week. Then all of a sudden, my mother started going to a friend's house and I had no idea why but I also didn't care. It was enough that she was home every night. One evening as I was reading a book for school, my mother came in my room and asked if I wanted to go with her to dinner at that friend's house. The kid in me didn't even think about it, I got my jacket and went with her. I played with Denny, the other family's kid, but didn't fail to notice there was a man who wasn't living with Denny and her parents. "What was he doing there?" I kept asking myself. A couple of times we talked and he gave me his phone to play with. I liked him, the guy, not the phone. Well, the phone, too, but that's not the point. While I and Mom was at Denny's again, just like another of those evenings, I thought how amazing would it had been if  he was my Daddy. That same evening the guy walked us, me and Mom, home and the strangest thing happened. When we reached our apartment, Mom told me to go ahead. I did but as I was walking my curiousity awaken. I turned and the guy and my Mom were kissing. You think what I felt like then, reader? No, you're mistaken! I actually liked it. Of course, I was a little mad at Mommy but I liked the guy and wasn't going to complain. After all, I was the one who thought "how amazing would it had been if he was my Daddy".
 That, unfortunatelly, just like all the good things in my dark past, came to an end. That man my Mom had had an affair with has said that if she wasn't willing to stop any contact with her new boyfriend, he was going to beat him to death. My mother had always been so weak and she just went back to the old one, whose name, by the way, was Brad.
 My own personal hell was just about to start for real and I, the poor little kid, didn't know anything.
 Then the next summer my mother told me we were going on vacation with Brad. I had no other choice but to go. If I just hadn't gone with them, if I just had stayed with my grandparents at our small apartment. But how was I supposed to know what was waiting for me?
 The three of us went there by car. Some sibling of Brad drove us to the seaside. I was used to going on vacations with a reserved hotel room before arriving. This time we had to walk around and look for something. A lot of times we failed epically and the room we got, in the end, hadn't even 'had the right' to be compared with the previous ones, the ones I was used to.
 That wasn't the worse part. That night as I went to bed, I thought my mother would sleep with me. But Dana went to share a bed with Brad. A feeling, deep down in me, awaken. It was jealousy. I used to have my mother just for myself and no one else. I wasn't willing to share her. There was no way of accepting what was happening and I started crying. And I knew Mom heard me crying. She knew it and she did nothing..well, nothing until Brad got up and started shouting. My mother got upset and angry, she was scared, too. The guy shouted and I cried harder and harder. Then when he stopped Dana told me to go to the bathroom with her. The mother was supposed to wash her daughter's face from all the tears and horror. Instead, she add more of them both. When we were in the bathroom, I was still crying, the young lady was scared. I never had to relieve such anger in my entire life. Lying in bed, 5 years later, I still remembers my mother saying "See what you did? How could you?" and then Dana hurt me for the first time ever. She hit me right in the waist. It took the youngster me a minute to start breathing again.
 Although, the pain was a lot to handle with, both physical and psychical, that was the moment which would later become the main reason for me being so strong and not letting almost no one closer, close enough to hurt me.
 I just waited for the day I came back home and lived with my grandparents and mother again. My mother didn't come back home sometimes again but I stopped crying.
 A year rolled and it was summer again. She came and asked me if I wanted to go on vacation again. This time I could ask my best friend to come with me. What a relief...at the beginnig, at least. Such a dumbass I was, how I fooled myself! I shouldn't have believed Mom! But I did and went with them again, this time my best friend, Clara, was with us. This, of course, made things a little different. Just a little. I could still see ,y mother being upset and she and Brad seemed to always be fighting over something. Though, the summer was going all fine. Clara and I were going to the pool everyday because the beach was dirty. Dana or Brad gave us money and we went all by ourselves.
 It was half their holiday when one evening the we got a suggestion from Brad to go to a disco with him and my mother. Clara was so on for it and I didn't have any other chance but to go. Something inside me, though, was telling me it wasn't gonna be OK and I shouldn't be going, but my best friend was so enthusiastic about it...how could I do such a thing to Clara? When we went to the disco, it was full with all grown-ups and that awful music was playing. Clara didn't have fun and neither did I. Dana drank a lot and was drunk soon after, she started pulling me on the dancefloor. Just as all the other bad memories this one was also captured in my mind. She dragged me on the dancefloor and she kept telling me to dance or else Brad wouldn't be glad. He would get mad at her and stuff. And when I refused to dance and started crying she just left me these scars on both my hands. Those stupid fingernails of hers! She didn't fuckin' care about what she was doing to me and she was fuckin' drunk! All because of that stupid redneck with stupid name! He didn't turn out to be such a redneck. He actually cared a lot about me and when I asked him to leave he said yes. The next thing I remember from that night was crying while Clara was trying to make me feel better.
 Those two summers may had been the most awful in my life but they made me strong. The next year I went with my mother and Brad again, but I was 13 years old and I didn't give my mother a chance to hurt me. I had that shield in front of my heart and soul. No one could play with my feelings.
 I spent almost 4 hours remembering the horror I had to go through.
 Next thing I was asleep just as I always did on rainy days when the weather was remembering its own past experiences.